Friday, 27 May 2011

Trusting your holy name

The children are in bed, dinner is cooking and I have a glass of Pinot Noir to hand. It's Friday night, Bryan's home, there are no immediate hospital appointments, the fridge is full, there's another bottle in the wine rack and it's nearly eight o'clock and still light. 

How can I worry with all that going for me?

Today I listened to a worship CD in the car on the way to the supermarket and although I didn't feel lifted to a higher place, you were there with me. I had a sing to a couple of songs and I felt so much better by the time I got there. I got out of the car at Sainsbury's and had a little smile. I just had a feeling that everything was going to be alright.

Psalm 33: 21
'In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust His holy name.'

I trust you, whether I get the emotional response to your love or not. I will praise you, whether I feel I can sense you nearby or not. I love it when you reach out and touch me but I know that you don't love me any less when you just stay where you are and care for me.

I suppose it isn't you that has moved away from me, anyway. I don't know why some days I feel close to you and others I don't. I just want to learn not to rely on my feelings, not to falter and wonder and look about me anxiously like a child does when he loses sight of Mummy for a moment. I want to trust that I am rooted in you and despite the wind blowing I will stand firm. I want to trust that even though I don't feel transported to another place or basking in a glimpse of you. Those moments are wonderful but I know that they can't be there all the time.

I know that they're gifts and they're precious.

Help me to keep walking, Lord. When things are good and when they're bad, help me to keep walking. Mature my faith, I pray, so I don't fall into the trap of wanting things to be spectacular and personal and emotional all the time. I know that you will never leave me.

So cheers, here's to you, my Lord and my God and my Friend. I'm rejoicing in you because I trust your holy name. Thankyou for family and nice food and a glass or two of wine. You've given me so much.

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