Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Revving in neutral

Morning, God.

I'm sitting here trying to think and all there is in my head is a fog. It's like thinking through treacle. It's not that my thoughts keep slipping away, it's that they can't seem to break through in the first place.

Busy. Trying to fit too much in. I'm much better at saying no these days, and I'm trying hard to prioritise to make space for things that are the most important...but then I have mornings like this when I have a few hours free and I find that my head hurts and I can't concentrate. I didn't factor that in to my schedule this week. No time for being tired and thick-headed.

Grr.

Lord, this is going to be short because I need to go, but I'm feeling a bit fragile today. The pile of things that need to be done is getting bigger and bigger and I seem to be going slower and slower. Something needs to give.

Either I need you to slow down the turning of the world a bit so that I can find time between commitments and meetings and services and school runs and taking the girls to parties and hospitals and bedtimes, or I need you to help me get things in order. This morning I had three hours of spare time which is very precious, but I also had a headache that stopped me from doing anything and ended up napping uncomfortably and falling down the stairs on the way back.

I'm needing some help. The old thoughts are coming back:

'Why are you trying to do anything? There's no point.'
'Just give up. It's too much effort.'
You'll never do it. It's too big.'
'Look at you - you're all stressed out over a few deadlines. You can't cope with anything else.'

I know that these are lies and I am trying not to believe them. But I am struggling a bit. I haven't cleaned the house for ages and even by my standards things are looking a little dusty.

making a lot of noise
but going nowhere.
Show me how to get things in order. I'm straining my ears to hear you because I know that you must be talking to me. I would so like to disappear for a week or two somewhere on my own and find some space. Maybe then I'd get things done.

Or not.

CS Lewis said:
'If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavourable. Favourable conditions never come.'
Favourable conditions never come. So there might never be a time when I have lots of free time, undisturbed, without a headache or a wrenched shoulder. Might never be a time when I can clear all else so that I can concentrate on one special thing.

Best get on with it. Please help. I'm revving in neutral at the moment. It's frustrating.

Calm.  Deep breath.

Painkillers.

Gotta go.

More later.  Please?







Photo by wraggy78 
www.morguefile.com
used with permission.

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