The circle prayer

Hey.
God Almighty. Loving Lord. 

Just before I go to bed I've got to tell you this. 

Not that you don't already know. After all, you were there.

You were very much there. 

Tonight Katy had a hard time settling at bedtime. She wasn't being naughty, or even shouting a lot, she was just awake. At bedtime I lay down next to her and we snuggled and I just love the way she cuddles into me and I love the way she smells, and I love the way she adopts a quiet little confidential voice as she tells me what Barney has been up to and so on. Tonight she wanted me to tell her something. 

There's this thing we do. I do it with both girls. It goes like this:

Me:     Katy Murray, does your Mummy love you?

Katy:  Yes.

Me:     How much does she love you?

Katy:  All round the world and back again.

Me:     More than that. 

(insert bit where we exaggerate more and more until we move on)

Me:     Why does she love you?

Katy:   Because I'm Katy.

Me:     That's right.  When will she stop loving you?

Katy:   Never. Not ever. Not never nohow.

Me:      That's right. I love you very much and I always will.

Then tonight:

Katy:   Like Jesus.  And God. 

Me:     That's right. God loves you even more than me, if that's possible.

(Katy is drawing a circle on the palm of her hand with the other index finger)

Katy:   Will you do the circle prayer?

Now, as you'll remember, the last time Katy went into hospital a good friend of mine loaned us Hospital Teddy to come with us. Hospital Teddy's job is to accompany children on trips to hospital, and he was at Katy's side for her last operation. He's with us and packing his overnight bag for another trip. (Actually, he never went home owing to having been temporarily assimilated into Katy's stuffed toy collection.)

Hospital Teddy's owner said a special prayer for Kate on the morning she went into hospital back at the beginning of June.

Circle Katy, Lord

Keep comfort near

and discouragement afar.

Keep peace within

and turmoil out.

Circle Katy, Lord.

Keep protection near

and danger afar.

Circle Katy, Lord.

Keep hope within

and despair without.

Circle Katy, Lord.

Keep light near

and darkness afar.

Circle Katy, Lord

Keep peace within

and anxiety without.

The eternal Father, Son and Holy Spirit

shield Katy on every side.

Amen.

Katy had remembered the prayer and the circles drawn on her hand as it was read. She made the connection between one operation and another and she made the association between the love of her Mummy and the love of God. 

Can you really love her more than I do?

I was in awe. I bet the angels were singing. 

Disaster.

I couldn't find the prayer. I have a copy somewhere but I couldn't find it. I made up something from what I could remember but it wasn't the same. She snuggled down to sleep but she didn't get off. 

I sent a message to my friend asking if she'd send over the circle prayer for Katy. She did, straight away.

A while later she was still awake. I took the prayer up to her and she had me say it twice, while drawing little circles on the palm of her hand. She smiled and when I said, 'Amen' she nodded with a big smile. Then she snuggled down into her pillows and mountain of soft toys and as I got to the door she said to me:

'Mummy, when you're sad, I'm going to ask Daddy to read you the circle prayer, and then you'll feel better too."

And she closed her eyes and put her thumb in her mouth and held Scruffy Barney close to her cheek.

Ah.

Loving Lord, there are so many things about this that blow my mind. She remembered the prayer and she associates it not only with going into hospital but with feeling better.  She must be thinking about her hospital visit on Monday and she must be worrying.  Tonight the prayer helped. You helped my baby girl.  She's only four, but she knew what she wanted to help her and when I found it for her she was comforted. 

So much more.  She knows that you love her. She knows that you will never stop loving her and she knows that there's nothing she can do to make you love her less and there's nothing she can do to make you love her more. Praise you, my wonderful Lord. You have given her the gift of faith. 

She wants me to find the same comfort that she found on the occasions that I'm upset or worried. She wants me to hear the circle prayer and then I'll feel better. Thankyou Lord for her faith and for her love for me. 

Who says that ministry to small children is all one way? Tonight she was the one with the wisdom; I was humbled. She was troubled and she knew what would help. She asked for it and it was as she believed it would be. She was comforted. She told me that it would help me too. I can learn from that. 

Amen Amen Amen. 

Lord, thankyou for the wonderful thing that happened tonight.
Thankyou for wise and perceptive friends who gave us this little prayer when it was needed.
Thankyou that this friend picked up my message and responded immediately, that Katy was still awake and that she felt better.

May she know your presence more every day. May the little fire of faith that is clearly in her heart burn ever brighter. 

Thankyou. From the bottom of my heart. 

A life well-lived

Right.

'If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.'

James 1:5

Good old Charles Spurgeon once again summed this up for me:

"'If any of you lack wisdom.' There is no "if" in the matter, for I am sure I lack it ... for I know I may do very stupid things, even in plain matters, unless Thou dost keep me out of mischief'.

I know that feeling. I have a knack of saying the wrong thing, saying nothing when I should say something (not as often, that one) and putting my foot in it in a dramatic manner on some occasions by doing or saying something stupid.

I want to be wise. Here am I asking you to give me wisdom. The only thing is, I'm not really sure what it is I'm asking for, so I'm not really sure when I'll know if you've given it to me.

What is wisdom then. Here is what I know about wisdom:
Wis-duh'm.
The dictionary definition is 'the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or wise coupled with just judgement as to action; sagacity, discernment or insight'. Sense, understanding. The opposite is stupidity or ignorance.

Sounds good, then. I'll take all you have of that, please.

It isn't that simple, though. Is wisdom a lifetime thing? Can a middle aged person who has a long way to go in the Spiritual Maturity stakes be wise? Is wisdom a constant thing, as in 'so-and-so is a wise person', or is it something that comes and goes? Do you equip people with wisdom for a specific situation, and then take it away again? That doesn't sound likely. Is it a gift that you give that requires exercising and thus grows?

Is wisdom a combination of spiritual gift and intellect? I know that you've given me a brain to use, and words to express myself, and the ability to consider things rationally, or else I wouldn't be here now wittering on. Can one achieve wisdom by thinking enough?

Surely not, or it wouldn't be a gift. Can people who don't ask you for wisdom not be wise, then? Or is there a sort of spiritual wisdom that is the hallmark of a child of yours, who has been blessed with wisdom of a different nature?

I think wisdom is something that helps with life. I would like to be able to make good choices. I would like to be able to advise people who ask for advice (and refrain from advising those who don't ask for it) and advise them well. I would like to trust myself, insofar as I am sure as I can be that what I am doing is what you would have me do in a given situation. And yes, if I'm honest, I would like people to think, 'Oh, Helen Murray? She's a wise lady'.

Why do I want all that? Oh, I don't know. Loads of reasons. I want a measure of confidence that I can cope with what life throws at me. I want not to feel baffled by life's dilemmas. I want to be more decisive. I want to make good decisions. I want to be sensible. I want to worry less. I want to help more. I want to offer something to my family and also my church family. I want to be in tune with you. I want to understand. I want deeper knowledge and perception and discernment. All those things.

Hmm. Some of those reasons sound like reasons not to give it to me. When I say I want to trust myself, to be confident, secure, decisive, that sounds a bit like my need to be self sufficient sneaking into the equation again. That's not what I meant. Or I didn't think it was. But if I were wise...

Michael Card says: 'Wisdom is not the ability to be correct all the time. Genuine wisdom is concerned with a life well-lived. Wisdom isn't something we know as much as something we become'.
Joy in the Journey

So that bursts my bubble. I would quite like to be right all the time. Just ask my husband. Even with the children I find myself on occasion correcting them and arguing over a ridiculous point of inconsequential trivia because they are wrong and require to be put right. At this point I have to remember something I read once, 'Excuse me, who's the grown up?'

Genuine wisdom is concerned with a life well-lived. I like that idea very much. I only have one of these life-things. I want to do it right.

Aha.

The penny drops.

That's it. I want to be wise because I want to do it right. Being right is one thing, but getting it right is what I long to do. I am desperate not to waste what I have; what I am. This year is an amazing journey into who I am and who you would have me be and I want to get somewhere with it. I want to understand you as much as my limited little human brain can. I want to be what you want me to be, do what you want me to do, achieve what you want me to achieve and live as you want me to live. I know that I can't do any of that without something extra; something from you. I need you to guide me. Make me wise, Lord God, so that I can see with your eyes.

I want to get it right.

I'm actually afraid to get it wrong. I so often feel defeated by life and I know that I would be utterly so if you were not with me. The closer I walk in step with you the closer I know I will get to living my life as you want me to. I guess I'm always going to get it wrong because I am only me, but with you leading me along, I can get through, can't I?

I'm afraid of so many things, and many of them come down to the fear of getting it wrong. I fear being out of control. I fear not reacting the right way when I need to react quickly. I fear trying something and failing. I fear humiliation and embarrassment, and people seeing my inadequacy. There are things I know I don't do well so I don't do them at all. This is why I long to be wise. I sort of hope it might protect me from some of this. Is that wrong? Is my motivation all wrong, then?

But you don't say that I have to be all sorted out and clear about why I want wisdom before I can ask for it; indeed you're probably sitting up there right now smiling to yourself at the heavy weather I'm making about it, aren't you?  Oh alright then.

Yesterday I had half an hour and I sat in a beautiful churchyard on a hillside and drank a cup of coffee (that I just happened to have) and the sun was shining and it was peaceful and quiet. It was a little oasis of calm. I sat with you, Lord, and although I didn't hear you in any clear sort of way - thunderous or still and small - I asked you about wisdom. I asked you what it was about, and whether I could have it. I looked at the graves all around me, old and new and read the names of so many people who have been and gone. I saw the grief of those who inscribed the headstones: 'in loving memory', 'much missed', 'dearly departed'. It made me think about life and death.  And in typical manner it made me realise how much I want to get it right.

Time is short. I don't want to coast through life and realise I wasted it. Spiritually speaking I've already done enough of that. I want my life to mean something and the only way I can make that happen is by listening to you and doing as you tell me. So I need wisdom. More of it. Every day. Because like my friend Spurgeon says, without it I get into so much trouble.

Please, Lord, give me wisdom. Whether I deserve it or not. You are wise. You are the fount of all wisdom, and you have said that you will come to live in me, and so you have. Let the seed of wisdom that you planted grow into something, Lord, so that I can stand in front of you one day and you will say that I have led a life well-lived. Make me grow wise as I grow up in you. I want you to be proud of me.

'If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.'

Amen. Thankyou. 

Knowing when to keep my mouth shut

I talk a lot. Or at least, I think I talk a lot.  I usually have something that I want to say, and the likelihood of me saying it pretty much depends on the level of comfort I feel in any given situation.  For example, at a governors' meeting at school I am quiet.  Silent, I would say.  Whereas at home group I can hold forth with the best of them.  I like talking. I like expressing myself. I like discussing. I like debating. I like sharing and confiding and encouraging and joking and telling stories and anecdotes.  It has occurred to me more than once in my life that should there come a day at the end of my life when it turns out that we were all allocated only so many words to last us a lifetime, then at the rate I'm using them up then the last few years on earth are going to be pretty quiet ones. 

So, the first thing that this confession brings to mind is that I probably talk when I should be listening. I think this is certainly the case when I'm thinking about you, Lord.  I can witter on, whether I'm complaining or praising, reflecting or sobbing, and then as soon as I'm done there I am, gone. I wonder if sometimes you're just about to open your mouth with a reply and I'm away and I miss it. This is definitely on my list to work on.

The second thing that's got me thinking about it all is in connection with my Ninth Commandment revelation. The less I say, the less likely I am to make a mess. 

'When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise'. Proverbs 10:19

So there was my idea, only expressed quite a while ago and by someone who knew more than I do. 

Here's Bill Hybels again:

Are we serious about truth-telling? Then let's talk in practical terms. You want to sin less with your words? Then talk less. 

The less I talk, the less I exaggerate. The less I talk, the less I say things I regret. The less I talk, the fewer promises I make that I can't keep.'

So I imagine that some people might struggle more with this than others. Don't think I can't hear you chuckling. 

While I know intellectually that not everyone needs to hear my opinion, in practice that's not necessarily in the forefront of my mind when I feel like offering it. The urge to give my three penneth is sometimes overwhelming. Actually, rarely is it overwhelming because I've usually given into it before it gets a chance to overwhelm me.  Why do we always want to be heard? Is it some innate and deep seated fear of being overlooked?  Or are we always looking for the approval that comes when you are agreed with, or the boost to the self esteem that we get when someone is interested in what we say?  Because for me, having something to say and not saying it is quite hard. 

So I need a few things from you, please. I need more wisdom, to know when to speak and when to shut up. I need wisdom to separate the stuff that I should say, that's helpful and positive and useful from the stuff that I sometimes feel an equally strong urge to share with folks that's unhelpful and negative and wrong.  I need discernment to try to work out the difference before it's too late. Sometimes it's obvious - critical things, whingy things, mean things, sarcastic things, gossipy things - these all wave red flags at me and I quite often choose not to see them and go ploughing ahead anyway, but it's the times when I reflect on a conversation that I've already had and I realise the implications of something I said and I spend the next few hours/days/weeks cringing and wishing I'd kept my trap shut.  You know what I mean, Lord, because I usually come running to you at this point. If I'm not too embarrassed.

Then there are times when I have no idea what the implications might be of what I'm saying. It might be meant with the best of intentions but I am speaking into a situation that I don't understand and yet keep on talking.  I don't want to do damage with my words, well intentioned or not. So wisdom and discernment please. 

Back to the shopping list. Tact.  Diplomacy. Sensitivity. For those occasions when a white lie would normally come tripping out. A wise person advised me today that when you resolve to be truthful even when lying might be easier, then these situations become less regular. I hope so, because thinking on my feet is going to become an issue. There are so many times when it seems tactful to bend the truth, or to just slip away from it rather than say what is true. I can't believe that to be honest means stalking through life leaving a trail of hurt feelings and offended souls right and left, so help required here too, please. 

Oh, and self control. I'm going to need rather a lot, please.  A lot more than I've got already. 

'For the heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.' 

Proverbs 15:28

That doesn't pull it's punches much, does it?  

So teach me to weigh my answers and not to gush, please.  To think, and to listen, and to think more, and talk less.

And if I can master it it might mean that I don't run out of words before I've said everything I need to say.