Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Blank page moment

I'm having a blank page moment. 

God, I want to fill this blank page with something that makes you smile. 

Something that says, 'Here he is: my God. And he's my Friend.'

What? 

Should I have something to say about how I would like to have a Thanksgiving Holiday like my friends in the US? How I imagine them over there with houses full of laughing family and friends, lit windows giving glimpses of warm, decorated rooms and people sitting round laden tables, hands held, eyes closed, giving thanks to the Provider?

Should I go where I usually go when I don't have words - the Psalms? Should I pick a psalm of praise and add my own contributions, lifting my heart to you in the sure knowledge that my heart will be lighter when you give it back to me than it was when I offered it to you in my hands?

Maybe I should make a list. Of worries to offload, anxieties that make that vertical line between my eyebrows ever deeper; things that I need to offer you once again, even though I've done so a million times, yet always crept back under cover of darkness and gathered them up again. Maybe I could someday leave them with you?

Should I come to you with armfuls of hopes and dreams and longings that I dust off, daily as I wait for your timing? Perhaps you would give me insight into your Plan, so that I can once and for all crumple my inferior, short-sighted one and throw it away, because at last I see, really see, that yours is better?

Perhaps I should describe what's in front of me, sitting here in my kitchen, the wind blowing so hard that the bird table is on its side and the neighbourhood cats all have their fur blown backwards. The leaves swirling in a fountain in the air. Or what I hear, which is the sound of the news on television. Someone lost his legs in Afghanistan. Someone raped on a towpath. Someone suing for libel. Someone sheltering their children from bombs. 

Should I ask you what it's all about? Should I give you my anger and frustration that you could stop these things, but you don't? 

Shall I write a diary entry? Shall I tell you what I've done so far today, what my thoughts and feelings have been? How I managed something this morning that I've been putting off for a fortnight but how long my To Do list still remains; how I finished a book that has inspired me and how I drank too much coffee and ate too many biscuits? 

Shall I try for a poem? 

Shall I search for an inspiring word from someone else and talk about it? 

Shall I write a stream-of-consciousness trundle down memory lane in the hope that I might make sense of things that happened to me many years ago? 

I could do any of those things. 

But what I want to do is just sit here and love you. I don't need words, much as I love them, and much as you indulge me. You are Almighty God. You don't need anything from me. 

There's nothing that I can do to make you love me more, and there's nothing that I can do to make you love me less. 

You don't want anything, you want everything. I want to give you all that I can.

Here's all of the above.

Here am I. 

I love you, Daddy. 

14 comments:

  1. Helen,

    I am reading Mary DeMuth's book, "Everything," and that's what I want too. I resonated with your line, "perhaps you would give me insight into your Plan, so that I can once and for all crumple my inferior, short-sighted one and throw it away, because at last I see, really see, that yours is better?" I am really just trying to "practice His presence" again...walking through a day and "acknowledging Him in all my ways." I get caught up in the day to day things and almost forget he's with me in them! Another great post...even though it started as a blank page.

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    1. Thankyou. Some days I see Him everywhere and others it's as if He's nowhere to be found - but those are the days when I'm either not looking or refuse to see. I've such a long way to go but He is endlessly patient...
      Thankyou again.

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  2. A great post, Helen. In contemplating the possibilities before you to share, God has already been brought into the picture as your observations are an offering to Him. I really like the simple offering of yourself in love as you close. In the end that is all we can offer God - ourselves and our time. It is so freeing to know He loves us just as we are. I've been challenged recently about intimacy with our Father and the need to 'Be still' before Him. This lovely reflection served as a reminder and a meditation in itself. Thank you :)

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    1. You're welcome, Joy - thankyou for your kind words. I struggle so much with the 'Be Still...' thing. Not because I'm particularly energetic (quite the reverse) but because my head is always full of things. A work in progress. :-)
      Thankyou.

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  3. Oh, what truth. Sometimes I just sit and want God to just saturate me as I do nothing. Thank you so much for always being such an encouraging person. Your truth here is so powerful. You could have simply wrote "Here he is, my God and he is my friend" and that would have been more than enough...:)

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    1. You encourage me all the time. And especially now; thankyou for coming and saying hello. You're in my prayers. Hx

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  4. With all the noise that comes around us during the Holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving in the US, etc.), a quiet moment with JESUS helps us refocus on what's really important. And Helen, it appears that you appreciate those times along with Abba Father. Been reading in Jeremiah of late and ran across this verse: "Listen to and obey My voice, and I will be your God and you will be My people; and walk in the whole way that I command you, that it may be well with you." ~ Jeremiah 7:23 'that it may be well with you' sums it up, doesn't it?

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  5. 'I will be your God and you will be my people' is pretty amazing too! Thankyou, Mel. For your wise, encouraging words and for linking on your page - I'm honoured. Thankyou.

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  6. To fill the page up with something that makes Him smile...how we long for that and often make it tons more complicated than it truly is. " Here I am; I love You, Daddy" are the sweetest of words to Him just as they are to us as parents. It really is all about relationship, isn't it? I love this post, Helen.

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  7. Thanks Ginger. The older I get the more I want my Daddy.

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  8. "But what I want to do is just sit here and love you. I don't need words, much as I love them, and much as you indulge me. You are Almighty God. You don't need anything from me." I love this quote Helen. Your intimacy with Jesus is apparent in your writings...thanks for this

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    1. You're so right, Helen's love is obvious and touching, which is why I love her blogs.

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  9. Our pastor gives that last quote 'There's nothing I can do to make You love me more....' most weeks and it hits home every time. Hang onto it, it's always true x

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