Monday, 4 April 2011

My anxious heart

Oh Father.

Today is a day full of worry. I'm trying not to worry as much, and recently I think I've been doing quite a good job but today it seems to be defeating me. I've got a list of things to do as long as my arm and some awkward conversations that need to happen, but that's not it. I think I can distil it down to two things. 

Katy has something wrong with her. It might be nothing; it's probably nothing. I hope it's nothing.  But there is definitely something at the moment. 

It's a lump on her neck.  It's quite big - about 3cm in diameter and sticks out quite a way, and she only has a little neck. It's not bothering her, it's not hurting, it's not getting in the way, it's not embarrassing her, but it's there and the doctor doesn't know what it is. 

We went to the GP when we found it, and to be honest it was acutely embarrassing as the lump was so big and I'd only just found it. The doctor was reassuring and gave Kate some antibiotics which she took regularly and without complaint, but alas no reduction in size and no change. So now the GP seems less reassuring and has referred Katy to a paediatric maxillofacial expert at the hospital and the idea is that he/she can examine it, assess it and treat it and make it better. Surgery is one option (no idea at the moment what the others might be). So the only option I know about is one that I don't like even one little bit. 

Now, I have thought and discussed and prayed about the idea that the devil throws stuff at us to distract us from doing something for you, Lord, and in the last few weeks I can recognise that he's been at work in and around me. But this is the thing: me is OK (well, it's not, actually, but I can understand it; and I can fight it) but messing about with my children is not OK.  

I am not alright about it at all.  

Is this what's going on?  Because if it is I want you to do something about it, please.  Well, if the truth be known, I want you to do something about it whatever the cause, if that's alright with you. 

This lump. I don't need to know what it is, what it was, or why it was there, or why it went.  I don't care how you do it, whether it diminishes gradually or it's there one day and not the next. I don't care whether it pops or flattens or whether a doctor gives her cream or tablets or whatever.  I don't mind if it's a bit embarrassing that by the time our appointment with the consultant comes round the lump might no longer be there. Just take it away, please. Without hurting my little girl. Without having to put her to sleep and cut it out because I don't like that idea at all. 

So that's got that straight.  I'd be grateful if you'd get onto it at your earliest, as they say. 

Moving on. I've got a Governor's meeting tonight. It's been a while since my first one and I've worked very hard to put it all out of my mind since I found it such an uncomfortable and confidence-sapping experience.  In fact, I've worked so hard to put it out of my mind that I haven't read what I'm supposed to have read and I'm no more prepared than I was last time which is counter-productive as it's only by understanding what's going on and having an inkling of an opinion I might actually hold that I'm going to get any more comfortable with it all.  Sigh.

Got some reading to do before tonight.  Sigh.  Still no wiser about why I'm doing this, Lord.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; I felt as if it was something that you wanted me to do, and I don't know why. Seemed like a good idea at the time.  I think I'll use that as the title for my autobiography.  'Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time: The Life and Anxiety of Helen Murray'. 

So they're the main points.  Other bits of rubbish cropping up this week too, little bits and pieces that need resolving, but these are the main things.  And of these two, it's my Katy, please.  Governors' meetings matter very little in comparison with the health of my baby girl, Lord, so please don't think that I'm putting them on a level.  

I'll leave it with you, then, shall I?  I know that you have an enormous in-tray, but I know that you don't get overwhelmed like I do.  I know that you love Katy and want the best for her, and I know that you'll protect us from bad stuff.  I know that you can use me in any situation and you can bring good out of my reluctant and irritable presence at a Governors' meeting of the local infant school. I pray that you would look after Katy; heal her. Take away anything that might harm her, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Make that lump go away. 

And with the other thing - hold my hand, Father God.  Be in my head all the time. Help me remember that I am your child and with you in my corner no-one can harm me. Help me to behave like your representative and speak when I should, be silent when I should. If I'm going to be there, I may as well be some use.  Show me what it is you want me to do and help me rise to the occasion. 

1 Peter 5:7
'Cast all your anxiety on the Lord, for he cares for you'

Alright then. Here you go.


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