You rolled the stone away

I'm hurt and I want to hurt back

I am wounded and I lick my wounds

I am bitter and resentful

and full of anger.

How hard it is to forgive

Even though I am forgiven

I find that I don't want to let go

Of all the bitterness inside.

It's somehow easier to hold the hatred

in my hand and examine it closely

Each day to take it out again 

and turn it over and over

To think and reframe and analyse

To plan the nasty retorts

and counter attacks and volleys

of putdowns and missiles of my own.

But you tell me to lay it down

to put it at your feet 

to give it all to you and back away

leaving it there in front of you.

You want me to be free of the hardness

and hurting and scowling -

the darkness and hatefulness and spite

to let the breeze of your spirit blow through me.

To stop clenching and holding the hurt

to stop brooding and probing

but open my fists and allow you 

to take it from the palm of my hand.

So I lay my anger at your throne

take doubtful steps backwards

but I itch to take it up again

to snatch it back so that I can plot revenge

In words or deeds or thoughts

Just to be even, to stick up for myself

Not to be a victim, hurt, defeated - 

Why do I care so much?

You tell me I am different

I don't need to win.

Leave it with you

The battle is not mine but yours

So here it is.

The hurt and the anger and the resentment

I lay it before you

Have it. Take it away

I don't want it any more

I don't want my hands to be so full of rubbish

that I can't hold the gift you want to give me;

my forgiveness. 

For I need to forgive

as you have forgiven me

and suddenly it is clear

I need to find a way to let it go.

Because you forgave me. 

You died for me when I didn't care

I hurt you far more than I am hurt

Yet you go on forgiving.

So I give up my rage

and you take it from me

I say 'I forgive'

and you help me keep my word.

It turns out I don't miss the hatred

and the bitterness I was gripping

so tightly that my knuckles were white

I don't miss it at all.

Where it was is light and open and bright

in red and orange and yellow and green and blue

instead of black and grey and brown

There's warmth and sun instead of hard and cold.

A small transaction 

And they will never know it

Not that they would understand if they did

Or care the slightest bit.

But for me it is a gift

Another blessing from my God

who teaches me to live my life

differently.

Thankyou for helping me forgive.

It was a big thing for me.

I had no idea how big

but you knew.