I still feel pretty low today but the difference is that I have a better hold of what it is that I'm holding on to. I've been reminded today of your permanence, and the simplicity of it all; that I don't have to do anything, because Jesus did it, and does it. I just have to hang on. So I feel as if I've been reduced to the simplest, most fundamental thing; I'm hanging on and just trusting that you will win this battle on my behalf. I can't do it, but you can.
So the voices in my head that say, 'You can't do this'; no, I can't. But my heavenly Father can. When they say, 'Why do you think you're special?' I can reply 'I am special because I am God's child'. When I hear that I can do nothing right I can say that although I am flawed, I am made perfect in Christ.
'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.'
I can do this.
I feel so much better knowing that it's normal to feel so bad after having made a stand. It makes sense with my limited understanding that if someone tries to stride closer to you that they would feel a hand on their shirt trying to pull them back. I feel as if there are a million hands pulling and pulling; a million voices reminding me of all my weaknesses and failures and difficulties and all the times that I've taken one step forward - and then two (or more) back. All the times I've given up.
I've been thinking that maybe because I had such a fallow period in my life, spiritually - about fourteen years - maybe I have after all have got to this point in my life with the spiritual maturity of a toddler. Maybe it's all too much for me and I'm trying to run before I can walk, but it's not true. I certainly don't have the wisdom of someone who has many more years in this than I do, but I am not helpless and I just want to follow the Master. You can see my heart and I know that you can find the grain of faith in me and you won't let me down.
For someone who is quite feeling-driven, this is really hard. I can't sleep. I'm waking up feeling low and dark and short-tempered and emotional and nothing is really helping. The only way that today is different from yesterday is that I spoke to someone today who told me it's normal; she's been through it and it was like this for her too. That has helped so much. I don't feel crazy any more. Just tired and weighed down and discouraged and fearful. My head feels full of cotton wool and my eyes are sore. It sometimes feels hard to get my breath. Nothing matters very much.
I'll go on clinging. The tears are not very far away today and I can't raise much enthusiasm for anything, but I'm trying to look beyond the storm and towards the rainbow. I know the sun is still there even if thick clouds are shrouding it. Or at least, I believe that the sun is still there.
Lord God, come and rescue me. Again. Blow away the clouds and let me feel your warmth and stand in your light. Don't let the wind and waves sweep me away. I know that you won't. I know that you're fighting for me, Lord. I know that there's conflict and I know whose side I'm on, and I know that you have ultimately won the war. I'm not doing very much right now except holding on and waiting for you.
I am your child.
I am valuable because you value me.
'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.'
Amen. Even if I feel like I'm drowning.