Thursday, 7 July 2011

You remain the same

Nothing has changed and so much all at the same time. This week I have been at the very end of my tether; just feeling so hopeless and miserable, and then since then there have been some little sparks of joy that can only have come from you.

I have had the chance to talk to several wise and supportive friends this week and I know that I have friends who are praying for me. Nothing has changed; Katy's lump is still there and growing, the doctors haven't got any closer to making her better; she still isn't eating properly and her tantrums grow more frequent every day, but today I am feeling better about things. And it's not because of the mystical Good Night's Sleep either as I was late in bed last night and early up this morning as war broke out in Elizabeth's room before 7am as Kate decided it would be a good idea to wake Lizzie up to tell her that she was making off with her Lego plane to turn it into a swing for Barney. 

So, here I am. Someone recently said to me that if you're going through hard times, find a song and hang onto it. This was easy for me as I have a song that chose me only a few days ago.

You are the voice of hope
The anchor of my soul
When there seems to be no way
You make it possible
You are the prince of peace
Amidst adversity
My lips will shout for joy
To you the most high

You are indeed the voice of my hope, Father God. I don't know where I'd be without you. For every time I ask where you are when I need you, or wonder with frustration why you aren't performing miracles to make Katy better or solve my problems, there are two occasions where I know that I wouldn't want to be where I am without you. I know that you are the prince of peace, and where you are there is peace, so today I know that you are in my heart.

Where there seems to be no way, you make it possible, Lord. On Monday I was feeling so defeated that I didn't know how I was going to make it to the other end of the week, and yet you have blessed me with friends who have hugged and listened and advised and pointed me back to you. You have blessed me with spookily relevant Bible readings in my daily notes and you have comforted and challenged and spoken sternly. You have given me sleep and cuddles from my girls.

And through the storm, yet I will praise you
Despite it all, yet I will sing
Through good and bad, yet I will worship
For you remain the same, King of Kings

This is undoubtedly a storm in my life; the wind seems to have been blowing hard for a while and some days I've leaned into it and made progress forwards and other days I've let it blow me away. It's raining hard and I'm soaked through but on days like today I'm looking for a rainbow. I know that you won't leave me without one.

You remain the same. You are the same God who touches me to tell me that you love me. You are the same God who sent his Son to die for me. You are the same yesterday, today and forever. You are the beginning and the end. You hold history in your hand and you don't age or forget. You are eternal and you are everything. You are the same God who delights in me and won't let me fall. Why do I doubt it?

You remain the same; it's me that changes. You are constant, unchanging; it's me that blows this way and that and forgets and remembers and gets confused and jumps to conclusions. You don't change.

Through good and bad, yet I will worship. I will keep on praising you when the sun is out and when the clouds are low and threatening. I will hang on to you and evil will flee from me. I will trust you because you love me.

Thankyou for the little seed of joy you planted in my heart this week, Lord. Help me to water it and make it grow and not starve it until it shrivels up. Help me to take it with me so that I can keep myself going with it. Thankyou for my friends, my song and my family, even though they drive me mad at times.

I am blessed indeed to be your child, and I'm so grateful that you have endless, endless patience as my Daddy.

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