It's not working, today, God.
It's sunny and bright and the washing is blowing on the line and that's usually likely to cheer me up but it's not happening today. I'm feeling as if I have my head above the water but it's lapping at my chin and I'm scrabbling madly to stay afloat. I know I should now draw a clever analogy to something uplifting and Biblical but I don't feel like it.
That was very dramatic.
I'm not kidding myself that anything desperately awful has happened; I know that all over the world are people having a much worse day than me. I saw a funeral procession going somewhere this morning and thought to myself that there, in that car (not that one, the one behind it) are some people who are having an awful day. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Complicated, that's what it is. It's been a complicated week. Lots of awkward phone calls that require thinking on my feet (not my strong point), making decisions (likewise), unexpected things happening, things breaking that shouldn't break, things leaking that shouldn't leak, workmen, appointments, situations with people that intimidate me, tired children with more tantrums than usual, a headache that won't go away; mithering stuff that makes my brain work overtime so I can't sleep. My house hasn't been washed away in a flood, we're all reasonably healthy, (wow, even in these days when I'm supposed to have shaken off superstitions that's hard to say), the fridge has some food in it and we can pay the gas bill. So that makes me fortunate. Lucky, blessed, whatever.
But I'm feeling out of sorts and unhappy nonetheless.
I need to get a grip, don't I? I want to thank you that you do care about the small stuff - you care about the phone calls and the middle-of-the-night list making, don't you? Thankyou that I'm not alone, that you don't subscribe to the 'Pull Yourself Together' school of mental health, but that you care enough to listen.
Even when I'm whining like a small child when Mummy has bought the wrong biscuits. Been there this week too.
I'm sorry. I have so much to be grateful for. The stuff I've listed above (there I go, lists again), and so much more. You died for me. You love me. My life is built on that, so it can never collapse completely. It can't.
I'm sorry I take so much for granted and I'm sorry that I focus on the negative. Wasn't it just a few days ago when I was buoyed up and promising that it didn't matter if if rained at 4pm when it was sunny at twelve? So soon I forget. New Year Resolutions indeed.
Must try harder.
I haven't got anything startling or profound to say. It's another day in my life where I realise that at 40, with two kids of my own, I still need to grow up. Life is hard; no-one said it wouldn't be - especially not you, Lord. Your life down here wasn't a piece of cake, was it? But there are people's lives much harder than mine, who no doubt would swap their problems for mine. Sorry for being so self absorbed.
Going to make a coffee now. Catch you later.