Monday, 7 February 2011

Another fine mess

God, I'm cross. And nervous, and anxious, and frustrated, and scared.

'What is it this time?' I hear you ask...well I've got myself into another mess. I'm guessing that you've been waiting for me to flap about this. Amazing that I've left it so late in the day to start worrying, really - not like me.  It sort of crept up on me. Stealthily.

As you are no doubt aware, I'm going to be one of the governors of our local infant school. It took me ages to decide whether or not to be a governor, as the idea scares me more than a bit, and when I was asked my instinctive response was 'Whoa, no no no no, absolutely not'.  Actually, I think that's exactly what I said.

Remember, this is the school where I went as a small child, and when I was there the current headteacher was one of the teachers.  In her first year Elizabeth had problems which have taken some sorting out, and although things are just fine now, scars have been left which make this governor thing, hobnobbing with the big cheeses, just a little bit more tricky. 

I'm not a happy camper.

Why did I say I'd do it? I have no idea.  I was persuaded by an old friend who has a child in Lizzie's class, who is also a governor, and maybe she appealed to my pride?  Vanity? I don't know. I do know that she said she'd be happy to have another Christian on board, so maybe that was it?  Anyway, I'm flapping and I wish I hadn't said I'd do it, and now I realise that it clashes with a meeting at Church that I wanted to go to and I'm feeling even more narked about it.

So here it is. At Church I feel comfortable and confident (a bit, anyway); it's familiar, non-threatening and interesting. I am with like minded people and usually my blood pressure isn't particularly raised at any point. I don't feel as if I'm being assessed and I don't usually feel out of my depth. I feel as if I might even contribute, help. Be useful. 

And then there's this meeting. First time, lots of strangers, a place with some duff memories (new and old), a lot of paperwork that I don't understand, jargon, acronyms, politics, previous history and a couple of people that intimidate the pants off me. (Excuse my turn of phrase). What am I doing?

I needn't have put myself through this, did I, Lord?  I did pray about it and I felt it was the right thing at the time, but that conviction has left me, I must admit. I thought about standing for governor, then heard that the position had been filled, so I said to you, 'If you want me to be a governor, then it'll come up again soon, won't it?'  Two weeks later I was approached about a new vacancy.  It was easy to say yes when it seemed way off, a long time, not immediate.  Not now.

I should have said no. Life's too short for feeling scared and intimidated. What if I look like a fool? What if I don't follow what's going on?  What if they all wonder why I'm there? What if nobody likes me?

Ever since I said I would there's been one hold up after another with processing me - paperwork problems, people who need to make it happen being off sick, signatures needed, complications of this nature and that.  Then all of a sudden the first meeting is upon me and it's scheduled to clash with something I look forward to. Grr. 

Do you want me to do this?  Is there a reason you want me to be there?  Please would you mind making it blatantly clear to me just so I know that all this angst is worthwhile? 

Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't, Lord.  Maybe I'll never know what I'm doing there. Sigh. I feel as if I'll be OK if I know you're beside me, Lord God. And then I feel as if you'll only be beside me if you wanted me there for something specific; if I agreed to do this job just because I was flattered to be asked, then you might say that I got myself into this mess, so I can just manage it by myself. 

That doesn't sound like you, does it, Lord?  When you said you'd never leave me I know that you didn't mean it with conditions. You said you'd never leave me, full stop.  So you'll be with me at this governors' meeting tomorrow and maybe you'll show me why you wanted me there.  

Or not. 

At least, even if why I'm there remains a mystery, it will be alright if you'll just go with me.  Maybe hold my hand?  I don't like being out of my comfort zone. Keep it going through my head that I am just as worthwhile as everyone else there, and maybe I'll have something to say. Or alternatively not have anything to say, just listen and appear sage and wise.  Yeah, right.  Just don't let me make a fool of myself.  Or sign up for anything too scary.  Just be in my head.  If I listen to you before I open my mouth then I guess I won't go far wrong. 

Hey, look what I've found!

Deuteronomy 31:6
'Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them (this clearly means the headteacher and the rest of the governors), for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.'

That's good then.  

1 comment:

  1. Praying for strength and peace for you Helen :)


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