Thursday, 10 February 2011

Biscuits

I'm having an uneasy sort of day. There's a pile of things that need doing but I can't seem to get round to anything. I'm getting this urge to sit here and make cup after cup of coffee and reach for the biscuits and I recognise in myself an anxious-comfort-food sort of state. 

Last night at house group it was suggested to me that one time I could use to spend with you was while I was swimming.  I find it really hard to hold things in my head while I'm swimming - I've tried to sing to myself, to make mental lists of things to do, trying to write poems or to pray, but I can't seem to do any of it. My mind sort of empties itself. So perhaps this was a good thing, it was suggested, and I should use this time as a sort of meditational time.  

As I was getting ready, I invited you to join me on my swim; if you wanted to say anything to me, then you were more than welcome. But not to expect anything much back... so I started my swim feeling sort of expectant. Blankish, as ever, but aware of what came to mind.

What happened was that things closed in on me a bit. A few things that have been bothering me came flooding in. Back into my head came an existing situation that I'm really uncomfortable with, but for the life of me I haven't been able to see what to do about it and I still can't.  Worries that I've tried to shelve were at the forefront again.  I had a great time at house group last night and we had a really good discussion but all of a sudden I've started to worry about what I said, whether I should have said things, if I said the wrong thing. Maybe things that seemed clear last night aren't so clear and I should have kept my trap shut, so to speak. 

So that was good then.

Or not. Far from being a positive relaxing meditative experience I came out of the pool more troubled and uneasy than I'd gone in. So what's that all about?

Are you trying to tell me something? If so, what?  Am I just struggling with worrying again, like so many times before? Is there something new in all this?  Or is it just that when I invited you into my mind this morning I inadvertently opened the door to a load of rubbish too?  

I'm writing this and biting my nails and I've had three coffees and two biscuits. So far. No idea why I feel so out of sorts today. Can you shed any light on it, God?

I'm feeling got at.  What's it all about?

Right. I'm going to find Katy and see if she wants a cuddle.

Bye. 

2 comments:

  1. Bless you my dear friend. Only just come online and read this... just so you know I eagerly await your posts...and am always rather disppointed if there isn't a new one, but having had the week i've had I've not been for a nosey until now! Hoping that with some distance you are able to see a little more clearly?...it will take time. And as ever I don't think we should underestimate the Devil. Remember what we were talking about about it is probably not of God if you feel very tense, negative or anxious. It sounds like lots of things that weren't God have gotten in there too... Praying that you are protected from those negative thoughts, but also that you don't give up... Don't let the fear of worry stop you. But that's just my rather tired tuppence! Not sure if it makes sense. love you lots!

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  2. Thanks Emma. It's that rollercoaster again! Up and at 'em one day, cowering and retreating the next. But I am a brave soldier...
    Don't know what I'd do without you. Hx

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