Holding on

Lord God, today I feel as if I am clinging on to a tree as a wind tries to sweep me away. Holding onto a railing as a tsunami crashes against me. I'm holding on with all my strength and holding on is all I can do because my feet have been swept out from under me and my eyes are screwed up shut and my head is down on my chest. It's a good job I have something firm to hold onto. That's you.

I still feel pretty low today but the difference is that I have a better hold of what it is that I'm holding on to. I've been reminded today of your permanence, and the simplicity of it all; that I don't have to do anything, because Jesus did it, and does it. I just have to hang on. So I feel as if I've been reduced to the simplest, most fundamental thing; I'm hanging on and just trusting that you will win this battle on my behalf. I can't do it, but you can. 

So the voices in my head that say, 'You can't do this'; no, I can't. But my heavenly Father can. When they say, 'Why do you think you're special?' I can reply 'I am special because I am God's child'. When I hear that I can do nothing right I can say that although I am flawed, I am made perfect in Christ. 

'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.'

Philippians 4:13

I can do this. 

I feel so much better knowing that it's normal to feel so bad after having made a stand. It makes sense with my limited understanding that if someone tries to stride closer to you that they would feel a hand on their shirt trying to pull them back. I feel as if there are a million hands pulling and pulling; a million voices reminding me of all my weaknesses and failures and difficulties and all the times that I've taken one step forward - and then two (or more) back. All the times I've given up. 

I've been thinking that maybe because I had such a fallow period in my life, spiritually - about fourteen years - maybe I have after all have got to this point in my life with the spiritual maturity of a toddler. Maybe it's all too much for me and I'm trying to run before I can walk, but it's not true. I certainly don't have the wisdom of someone who has many more years in this than I do, but I am not helpless and I just want to follow the Master.  You can see my heart and I know that you can find the grain of faith in me and you won't let me down.

For someone who is quite feeling-driven, this is really hard. I can't sleep. I'm waking up feeling low and dark and short-tempered and emotional and nothing is really helping. The only way that today is different from yesterday is that I spoke to someone today who told me it's normal; she's been through it and it was like this for her too. That has helped so much. I don't feel crazy any more. Just tired and weighed down and discouraged and fearful. My head feels full of cotton wool and my eyes are sore. It sometimes feels hard to get my breath. Nothing matters very much.

I'll go on clinging. The tears are not very far away today and I can't raise much enthusiasm for anything, but I'm trying to look beyond the storm and towards the rainbow. I know the sun is still there even if thick clouds are shrouding it. Or at least, I believe that the sun is still there. 

Lord God, come and rescue me. Again. Blow away the clouds and let me feel your warmth and stand in your light. Don't let the wind and waves sweep me away. I know that you won't.  I know that you're fighting for me, Lord. I know that there's conflict and I know whose side I'm on, and I know that you have ultimately won the war. I'm not doing very much right now except holding on and waiting for you. 

I am your child. 

I am valuable because you value me. 

Isaiah 43:2

'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.'

Amen. Even if I feel like I'm drowning.

Having a really bad day

Lord God, this is the first time since I started this blog that I can't really find anything to say. I suppose this is to be expected considering the state of my prayer life in general at the moment, but I have to admit that I've surprised myself by finding that I can't string some words together. I'm not usually lost for words.

I've had lots of interesting daily readings recently, but today I'm finding that inspiration isn't striking even by reading them back. Recounting the day's events wouldn't help as it's been a day completely devoid of positivity, on my part at least. It's the first day of the summer holidays, the children have played nicely (mostly) and Bryan is home, it's Friday night, but it's not helping today. 

I feel I've let you down, Father. I feel as if today I should be on top of the world because some wonderful things have happened to me in the last couple of days, and I have some great friends who have been so kind and generous with their love and their acceptance and their time; and above all I know that you are my loving, forgiving heavenly Father and I am your child. But I don't feel free and I don't feel as if I can get rid of the weight of stuff I'm carrying round. 

Today I've been short tempered and miserable. I had a cry earlier and thought that I might not stop but I had to pull myself together as I was in danger of frightening the kids.  I've forgotten to pick up Katy's new medicine today from the chemist despite my reminder system that has worked ok so far. What a terrible mother. Katy's tantrums haven't been anything out of the ordinary but today I've struggled to cope. I had to go outside earlier on because I thought my head would explode as she was shrieking so loudly and for so long. I got some gardening done this morning and Elizabeth has been lovely helping me shop this afternoon but my capacity for delight today is zero. I should be feeling happy and unburdened and light as a feather but I'm not; that familiar little voice in my head is telling me that I can't even get that right. Is there any wonder that I'm still a mile away from you? 

What is it, Lord? I believe the right things, I say the right things. I have renounced and I have declared and I have confessed and I have cried and I have prayed. I know that you are who you say you are and I want to be more like you. I don't want to struggle to keep up all the time. I don't want to feel destined to fail all my life. I just don't know how to give you all the rubbish in my life and leave it with you. I'm starting to think I'm going mad. 

I know that the negative voices in my head aren't real; or alternatively that they are real but they are not to be listened to.  They're lies. Some months ago I was feeling invincible and I asserted that there was nothing in the world or beyond it that could stop me from being who you want me to be, or stop me from winning the battle that is all around us, since I fight in your name. The following day I found a breast lump that the doctor thought was serious. It turned out not to be, but not until it'd shaken me profoundly. After that Katy had her operation that didn't work and one problem has followed another.  I haven't felt invincible since then, and it feels as if the day I asserted those things I was writing cheques I can't cash. I should feel invincible, because we have the victory in you, I haven't felt that confidence since that day. I've just been slowly sinking with the weight of  things on top of me. 

People have shown me how to overcome all this and it still isn't helping. I feel pathetic. I feel as if I can't even be honest about how I feel because it's getting silly.  There comes a point when people feel that they've helped all they can and there's something wrong with you if all their help hasn't helped, and I feel today as if that's where I am.  It's embarrassing to admit that people have talked and prayed and yet I can't seem to do my bit. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

So, give me a hint, Lord. Is this hormonal, or am I just tired? The Holy Grail of the good night's sleep has eluded me recently, it's true, and since I've had the children I am all too aware of how a lack of sufficient sleep can distort things and make everything much darker. Maybe an early night and all will be well.

Is this the devil? All the thoughts that I have that bring tears to my eyes afresh each time; things like, 'You can't do this' and 'You can't get anything right' and 'why do you think this will be any different?' - they are not good thoughts. They are not your voice. How do you do that 'Take every thought captive' thing? I'm sorry - I can't seem to get the hang of it. 

I don't know how to. I want it to stop, because I can't seem to learn how to beat it myself.  I can't get control of it. I can't replace something that is obviously untrue with something true in time to stop the untrue thing from hurting me. I hear 'You can't get anything right' and although I can rationalise this and tell myself that it absolutely isn't true, in my life I have got lots of things right, there's a part of me that soaks it up and winces anyway.  It hurts me. If I don't believe it, why does it hurt? This is sounding increasingly bizarre, isn't it?  I need to get a grip. I'm going to stop.

Father God, I know that you can do anything, and I need you to do something here because I can't do it. I feel weighed down and I don't know how to shrug it off and leave it with you. I don't know how to put on the armour you've given me and I don't know how to use it in a fight. I know that you have the victory but I'm struggling to believe I have any chance of winning in this particular skirmish. Do I settle for just plodding along and being me? Just getting by? Meeting you in heaven and hearing, 'You could have done so much more?' 

Am I over-thinking this whole thing?  It's not beyond the realms of possibility that this whole thing is much simpler than I'm making it, but you know that from inside my head things don't look simple. I don't have to tell you how I'm feeling in order for you to understand and for that I'm so grateful because I don't feel as if I can explain properly. Just help me, will you? Tell me.

Well, I said I didn't have any words today. Turns out I found some after all.  Pity that none of them were particularly positive. 

I'm sorry about that too.

Dark things. Ephesians 6:12

Where to start?  My head is spinning a bit today. It comes down to this:

'For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.'

Ephesians 6:12

In the Bible, you tell us that the devil exists.  So why, when I believe in you, in your word, do I shy away from discussion about the devil?  I sort of cringe a bit when I find myself in a conversation about the devil, as if there's something melodramatic about it, or a bit fanciful. It feels a bit far-fetched. I am embarrassed. Why? You've told me the truth in so many areas of my life. Perhaps it's the devil himself who doesn't want me to focus on him too closely.  Perhaps it suits him to have me uncomfortable with discussions that directly confront the issue of his existence or activity. It must work in his favour when I undermine myself by pulling a face when I speak of Satan. 

There's something egocentric about asserting that something that has happened to thwart me when I'm trying to do something for you must be from the devil. Or at least, that's how I feel, that's how I have felt. I've been unsure about how many of life's obstacles I can legitimately put down to infernal interference because I don't want to be one of those people who claim that if the rain comes when their umbrella is still in the car it must be the devil's work.

You know what it is? I've just had a rush of insight.  If I claim that the devil is at work in my life, I feel as if I'm claiming that what I'm doing is so good that it attracts his attention and he feels threatened enough to try to wreck it. I must be such a wonderfully good person, and I am not. The problem is that I am uncomfortable making the assertion that I am doing good things. 

Here's what I know:

I love you, Lord.

I believe that you died for my sins and rose again and that you love me and one day I will be with you.

You are at work in my life.

In these last few months you have been obviously, dramatically and undeniably at work in my life.

In these last few months an inordinate number of things have gone wrong in my life.

In these last few months you have supported and loved and encouraged me so thoroughly that the things that have gone wrong have not sunk me as they might have done.

I know that you have plans for me that we have only just begun to explore.

I love this. 

I am having the time of my life.

So there, you see, in a nutshell. I can, with confidence, not arrogance, not presumptuousness, assert that I am a threat to the devil. So it is likely that he will try to undermine me. I need to hold fast to this, because I struggle with it. I feel as if I need to protest that I am not an important player in this battle, so surely there is no need for Satan to be targeting me. There must be another explanation. 

But it may be just like that. No it is just like that. 

I'm going to say it again. Tell me if I'm right. 

'I am a threat to the devil so it is likely that he will try to undermine me.'

That time I did it with less of a squirm.

The thing is, I want to be a threat to the devil.  I don't embrace the idea of difficulty or hardship or accident or diabolical involvement in my life but I want to be so unequivocably on your team, not his, that he is narked by it.  I don't want to be a wishy washy backbench observer who the devil thinks of as neutral, pointless, no threat. In saying that I am a threat I am not boasting of my own goodness, or my own ideas, or even my own ability to fight him; I am boasting about your goodness, your ideas, your fight. I am a soldier in your army and I wear your armour. He may still be fighting but you have won the war, and there's nothing he would like me to believe more than that I am worthless in battle. 

I am not worthless. I am the child of the living God. How can I get that conviction to stick, Lord? How can I stop myself from reverting to the 'not good enough' feeling? I'm not throwing your gifts back in your face but sometimes my confidence gets eroded and the old feelings creep back in. Is that the devil's voice, then? 'You're not good enough for this.' 'Someone else could do this a whole lot better than you.' 'Everyone is wondering why you're here.' 'What could someone like you offer?' 'They're all going to see through you in a minute.' 

I know these are not true. I am less bothered by stuff like this these days; I'm learning! But sometimes the self-esteem leaks out and is replaced by anxiety and doubt. Not doubt about you, doubt about me. 

I suspect there will be more on this.  I feel that I am very young in my understanding of this whole spiritual warfare thingy and I have some books to read. No doubt I will soon be quoting bits to you and asking you what you think. 

Anyway, for now I want to thank you for wise friends who know more than me and can lend me books, for a brain to think about things and for a giving to me a Team Captain who is never going to lose. 

Please hide me under your wing when I need to hide, and stand with me when it's time to fight. 

'For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

Romans 8: 38 - 39

That'll do for me.