Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Refiner's Fire

Morning, God. 

I knew that today wasn't going to be a great day when my alarm just kept going off despite a resolute effort to ignore it. After a short while when not answered it goes into a 'snooze' mode and then has another go at getting a response from me a minute or two later.  This morning the cycle went on for about twenty minutes and each time I registered the tune it was playing but sank straight back into a dream and only actually surfaced when Lizzie landed on my chest some time later.  Even then, with a small knee in my collarbone it felt like swimming to the surface.

Not going to be one of those top drawer days when it starts like that, is it, God. Having said that, I suppose your days don't have duff starts. And I guess I've mentioned before how I'm not a morning person.

Anyway, I've struggled through the day; ups and downs.  Nice morning with Elizabeth whose school was having a Teacher Rest Day - not often Lizzie and I get to spend the morning just the two of us. She also loved dropping Katy off at nursery and seeing her teachers again; they made a nice fuss of her which was great. Her little face was a picture. She felt so grown up and loved having a look round her old stomping ground.  And Kate loved showing her where she hangs her coat, where the snack boxes go. It was a precious moment of harmony, watching them hand in hand.

Nice bowl of soup in a garden centre cafe for lunch and saw an old friend for a brief chat and hooked up on Facebook later on today.  Noted that the crocuses are out; even in our garden the daffodils are in bud and there's a carpet of snowdrops. Blue sky and sun today. Spring might actually be coming.

Nasty afternoon at the park where I ignored warning signals that Kate was too tired (bad night -  had to wake her this morning, was grumpy when I picked her up after lunch) and I unwisely decided that since it was such a beautiful day we'd go to the park. Tantrum over a small boy who pushed in front of her up the ladder to the slide, tantrum that I had brought breadsticks rather than dried pineapple for a snack, tantrum when the baby swing was too small for her, tantrum when it was time to go.  Sigh.

The girls are in bed. Ish. You, Lord, can see if they're actually in bed, or playing with something on their bedroom floors, both in the same room and whispering... or maybe they are actually trying to sleep. I can't see, and I'm not looking. I came down about ten minutes ago and sat down heavily to have a play on my computer while the kettle boils, the wheaty microwaves and then I'm off up the apples and pears myself.  I shall sneak past their bedrooms, close the door and slide down it and then crawl under my duvet and hope for a full night's kip.

I put some music on when I came down and the first song to play was 'Refiner's Fire'. On my iPod it's sung by Monique Tute, but I think it's a Brian Doerksen song. It's lovely. 

Right now I feel so tired that I just want it to be true.  I haven't the energy to dissect the lyrics and analyse in customary detail whether I can truly sing them with integrity and truth from the depths of my being; right now I am just lying in front of you and saying, yes, please do this. 

The only way to live is through you.

'Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within' 

Oh God, just do it.

So much to cleanse me from, Lord.  Impatience with Katy; I got so so angry this afternoon as I wrestled her from the park. Loss of self control as I hissed at her to stop kicking, lack of forgiveness when she needed a hug after I'd wrangled her into the car and all I did was shut the car door and climbed into the front to drive home.  Jealousy that so often Elizabeth prefers her Daddy to me, and I felt this morning that I was trying to win her affection, to score points, to get closer to her. Who's the grown up?

Today I barely read my little daily devotion as I was late up and rushing through the morning routine.  I was irritable while Lizzie did her reading and cross at cornflakes on the floor. I'm worried about so much stuff when I just need to learn to hand it to you. You haven't been in my mind much today, Lord.  There are people who need things and I put off helping because it doesn't fit in with my plans. If for ten minutes the thoughts that go through my head were broadcast I'd be mortified, but you can see them all the time. It makes me feel grubby.

I could go on and on and on. 

'Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy'


Tomorrow's a new day, hey. Night night.  

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